


Bittersweet

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Goodbyes, M/M, Post-Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black also needs a hug, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:08:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26392420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Two times Remus Lupin has to say goodbye to the man he loves...
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Bittersweet

**Author's Note:**

> Hello HP fandom! So, a couple of things: I haven't written HP fanfic since about 2016, I have _never_ written Wolfstar, and I've been suffering from major writer's block for _months_. I've barely been able to write a thing and then, yesterday I cranked this out in about an hour after (finally!) reading the Shoebox Project (in my defence I had never even heard about it until my sister recommended it but I LOVED it. I am so on board with this ship now.) So, basically, sorry if it isn't great but it's the best thing I've written since about March so it's being posted.
> 
> Be warned. Angst ahead!

“We can’t,” Remus Lupin says, although it is more of a murmur, weak even to his own ears and said into Sirius Black’s mouth as their noses nuzzle together in a gentle caress.

It has been a whirlwind of a day. Hell, it has been a whirlwind of the past few years. Emotions are running high on both sides and that’s why –

“We should stop,” Remus tries again, finding the strength to pull away far enough that his words aren’t the ghost of kisses against Sirius’ lips. Sirius has the audacity to pout and, despite his hollow cheeks and scraggly appearance, it reminds Remus so much of the boy he had known and loved all those years ago. The boy he thought he’d lost to a monster.

Sirius pinches his eyebrows together as if his next words physically pain him. “You’re probably right.” He doesn’t sound convinced.

“Of course I am. I’m always right,” Remus says, the tease in his tone subtle but there. He’s missed this. He’s missed _them_. So much.

Now isn’t the time, though. Their time has passed through long years and misunderstandings. They can never get it back, even if they try to pretend otherwise.

“You’re a wanted man, Sirius. You shouldn’t be here. You need to take Buckbeak and leave the country.”

“I know,” Sirius agrees. His hands tighten a little on Remus’ waist and it takes everything Remus has to bite back the moan of longing. “But I had to know.”

“Know what?” Remus’ voice quivers. He understands what Sirius means but he wants the man to say it. He wants to hear the words on that sharp, devilish tongue.

When Sirius locks his eyes on Remus, such is the intensity of his gaze that electricity bolts through them both. Remus’ fingers curl a little deeper into the flesh of Sirius’ shoulder. He is sure he will leave bruises but Sirius doesn’t seem to care. 

“If you still loved me.”

Remus gulps. It’s a loaded answer, one he isn’t sure he can articulate yet, not when his world had been blown apart so truly in the last few hours. He has spent twelve years hating the man before him or, at least, learning to hate him. _Wanting_ to hate him.

“I never stopped,” are the words that slip out before he’s given his brain permission to speak. “I didn’t want to. I hated that I did. You have to understand, Padfoot–” _Oh, god_ , it feels good to use that name (and for Sirius to hear it from his lips.). – “I thought you killed them. I thought you betrayed Lily and James and murdered Peter… My friends. _Our_ friends. What was I meant to believe? Dumbledore told me –” He cuts off, too choked up to continue. His eyes glisten with tears he doesn’t want to fall.

“I understand,” was all Sirius says, his thumb gently pawing at the corner of Remus’ eye, catching the tear that betrays him.

“You should hate me.”

“Have you forgotten that I didn’t trust you, either? I didn’t want to believe you were the traitor but I would never have believed it was Peter, not in a million years. That slimy, pathetic, _vermin_ –”

“I don’t blame you for that,” Remus interrupts and somehow his cheek is nestled against Sirius’ bony shoulder, warm breath tickling his neck. If he lets Sirius rant about Peter, he’ll never leave.

Not that Remus truly wants him to go…

“And I don’t blame you, either,” Sirius says, holding him close.

Remus never wants to let him go again. They’ve lost so much precious time, it pains him to even think about it. Life is a cruel mistress and Remus wishes he were strong enough to escape her dance. Out of all his friends, he was always the one to play it safe, though. He would never be bold enough to take the lead.

“Thinking about you, in between thinking about murdering Wormtail, is what kept me going,” Sirius mumbles into Remus’ hair.

Remus chuckles humourlessly. “Why, I think that might be the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“Knowing you, it’s the only romantic thing anyone’s ever said,” Sirius teases.

“My books are filled with enough romance for me.”

“Always the books…” Sirius sighs and pulls away so that he can meet Remus’ eyes again. He doesn’t let go of his arms, as if afraid Remus will vanish if he lets go. Remus wonderers briefly if he’s suffered that thought many times in his dreams over the past twelve years. He wishes he could promise that he would never disappear again but there’s such a thing as a loaded promise.

“Was there nobody else?” Sirius asks.

“Nobody.”

“…I don’t know whether to be happy or sad,” he says, his brows pinching together. Remus wants to joke about worry lines but the years haven’t been kind to either one of them and what’s a few more wrinkles anyway? 

“Be both,” Remus suggests, because that is how he is feeling right now. Happy that they’re together, that Sirius didn’t betray him or Lily and James. Sad because this can’t last. Sirius is a wanted man. He can’t stay and Remus can’t leave with him, not when he’s trapped in this dance of life. “I quit, you know?” His words come out of nowhere but he feels it’s important that Sirius knows.

Sirius arches an eyebrow. “Your nerdy professors’ job?”

Remus nods. “When it first happened, I wanted to believe you were innocent. I tried so hard to believe in you, that you would never do such a thing. Dumbledore convinced me otherwise. He took away my faith in you and I can’t work for a man who did that.”

“You’re an idiot,” Sirius mumbles and Remus wants so badly to kiss him. It takes everything he has to pull himself away from Sirius’ hold.

“You need to leave,” he says. The hurt that flickers across Sirius’ face sends a pang of pain to Remus’ chest. His heart suddenly feels heavier. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Sirius swallows and Remus watches his Adam’s apple bob. “I know.”

Remus doesn’t know what to say. He watches as Sirius shifts from foot to foot, looking very much like he wants to say something.

“Please stay safe,” Remus says when Sirius doesn’t speak. He knows that if Sirius ever gets caught he will face the Dementors kiss and he isn’t sure he could survive that. Perhaps that’s a selfish thought but Remus doesn’t care. He wants Sirius to live and he wants himself to be by his side, even though he knows its not possible.

“Will you write to me?” Sirius asks.

“If you want me to,” Remus says although he doesn’t know if it’s wise.

“Of course,” Sirius says. “Moony, I–” he cuts off, looking physically pained and Remus feels his breath hitch with the possibility of the words that could follow. He doesn’t continue though. Sirius swallows once, loudly, then leans forward a brushes a rough kiss to Remus’ cheek. Then he’s gone, slipping out of the house as silently as he arrived and Remus doesn’t know when or even if they will see each other again.

His hand finds his cheek, brushing the spot where he can still feel Sirius’ lips, and then he finally allows the tears to fall.

***

It is cold inside Grimmauld Place but Remus is warm in Sirius’ arms. He knows it is wrong, knew from the moment he snuck into the room the night before but sometimes, Remus thinks, he is a weak man who lacks the strength to do what is right. In this case, he’s not sure he gives a damn.

At least, he didn’t, the night before. Now, in the light of day, a sense of dread has filled him. He knows they can’t continue this dance, knows that too much has changed. He spent twelve years hating Sirius and it screwed him up. Sirius, too, is a broken man. They are not right for one another anymore, both too damaged in their own ways to make the other happy.

That doesn’t mean they both don’t wish otherwise. It doesn’t mean that they can’t lie to themselves. Recently, Remus has been doing a lot of that.

He knows he needs to stop.

“Sirius,” he starts. He feels Sirius tense like he knows exactly what’s coming.

“I know,” Sirius says. They were always on the same brain wave. Sirius may have been James’ best friend but he had a connection with Remus that couldn’t be rivalled.

“It’s for the best.”

“I know,” Sirius says again and Remus is surprised to hear that he means it. He’d had this whole speech planned and now he doesn’t need it. He fidgets with the covers instead, suddenly uncertain how to proceed. “You know… Tonks likes you…”

Remus can’t stop his jaw from dropping. “Are you trying to play matchmaker while naked in bed with me? Seriously, Padfoot?”

Sirius half shrugs his shoulders. “I want you to be happy,” he says. “I think she would be good for you.”

“Mm…” Remus says indifferently because he doesn’t want to talk about this, doesn’t want to think about dating anyone who isn’t Sirius Black. Tonks is fine but she isn’t him.

“You should think about it, at least,” Sirius says and Remus hates that he is serious. There’s not a hint of teasing in his voice. It rips into his heart, tearing it into a thousand pieces, making him want to moan out and cry. Making him want to scream. “She’s a good one.”

“She is,” Remus agrees numbly but, all the while he’s wondering why he has to be so damn practical and is hating Sirius a little for agreeing with him. He wonders whether Padfoot is hurting as much as he is right now. A little, cruel part of him hopes he is. He hates himself instantly for even having the thought.

“We’re doing the right thing,” Sirius says, being so damn perfect and reading Remus’ mind again. “We had our time and it was _everything_ but it passed, as all good things must. Now I need to concentrate on being a father to Harry and you need to consider becoming a father yourself… You’re still young, Moony. You have your whole life ahead of you and so much to give. You’re a wonderful man, y’know?”

“When did you become the wise one?”

“I learned from the best,” Sirius says, and he kisses him. Remus moans into his mouth, not wanting to give this up, not wanting to say goodbye but knowing… _knowing_ that they must. There is no future where they will be good for one another. Eventually, their love would corrode and corrupt. There’s only so long one can cling onto a ghost before it turns bitter and malevolent. Memories are better left in the past.

“I thought we were –” he starts to say, his words a little muffled against Sirius’ mouth.

“I’m saying goodbye,” Sirius cuts him off. “Let me have this. Let _us_ have this… We deserve a goodbye, Moony.” For the first time, all doubt is gone from Remus’ mind. Sirius _is_ struggling with this as much as he is and he’s right, anyway. They _do_ deserve a goodbye. One last huzzah before they have to deal with what comes after.

For a moment Remus wonders what could have been. If Lily and James hadn’t died, if Peter hadn’t betrayed them… Sirius and he… they could have been happy. They could have had a home together, a _life_ together. They were robbed that and a part of Remus will always be angry. Angry at Peter, angry at Voldermort, angry at Sirius, angry at himself. Mostly angry at himself. Angry because he hates himself for being so damn logical. He hates that he can’t let them crash and burn together. They would be a beautiful mess, he thinks, two broken men who love each other so deeply that they would destroy one another in a fireball of chaos.

Remus decides that the best thing he can do, for both of them, is to stop thinking. So he brushes his tongue against Sirius’ lower lip and loses himself for the final time in the man he knows he will always hate and love so strongly it would tear him apart if he let it.

He has one final thought before he allows his instincts and emotions to take lead, smothering everything else: goodbyes have never tasted so sweet.

No, he thinks. Not sweet.

 _Bittersweet_. 

**Author's Note:**

> I am kind of tempted to write a third and final goodbye (I think you all know which one it would be... :'( ) Let me know if that's something you would be interested in! x


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